st_emma | what happened in hell (Reply)

We showed up at Oberon, and when the doors were opened, we gave my name to the maitre d', who shouted out our table number. (While all this was going on, a lovely woman in evening attire was welcoming us to Hell and telling us all to make ourselves comfortable because we were going to be here a while. She turned out to be Lucifer)

Our waiter showed us to our table - cute guy, reminded me a little of a certain former lab partner, if taller and thinner. The waiters were all actors. Some were in Cabaret, some in Alice vs. Wonderland. A woman was onstage singing "The Girl from Ipanema," and each waiter at each table had their own set waiter patter. Ours introduced himself, poured water at each table setting, even ones that were empty, welcoming each guest (even at the table settings that were empty) and then told us if there was anything else we needed, to just ask. Every now and then you'd hear a sound like a turntable needle scratching across vinyl, and each waiter at each table would start over again. Refilling water, welcoming each guest, telling us if there was anything we needed to just ask. This went on for a while. There were dinner rolls on our plates - this was the Limbo course, bread and water, served by people who repeated their actions in an endless loop.

Then the flamenco music started and we were off to the Circle of Hell reserved for those who lust. Our waiter returned bearing little shooter glasses with oyster shooters in them, his shirt unbuttoned to the waist. The waitress and waiter the next table over started making out in the corner after their tables had been served. Lucifer came out and exhorted us to shoot back our shooters, and sang a song of passion. Not being a fan of oysters, I completely failed at this. As much as it disappoints me to admit this, I don't think Lust is my great sin. Virgil made the rounds of the tables, and then the lighting changed and we were off to...

Gluttony. The music switched to country and western, and the waiters came around with a big pot of beans which was doled out to everyone at the table. Then they brought a big plate of barbecue ribs and chicken feet. And then they line danced to Billy Ray Cyrus' "I Want My Mullet Back", which meant that it totally fulfilled

st_darwin's definition of Hell. There was audience participation here, but it was totally voluntary. Lucifer exhorted us to eat more and made jokes about eating beans. Then they wheeled out a trash cart, and the waiters cleared all of the dirty plates into the trash cart. Cerberus arose from the trash cart - with Cerberus being defined as "three buff male dancers clad in loincloths made from garbage bags. They lip synched and gyrated and rubbed leftover beans all over themselves. It was really kind of appalling. Yet oddly sexual. Virgil wandered up to them looking horrified.

Then the lighting changed again, and Lucifer strolled out dressed as a game show host. We became the audience for the game show "Squander or Hoard," and my filmmaker friend, who came with us, was called up onstage to play. He had to pick a prize, and then choose whether to hoard it or squander it and hope the next thing he chose was better. Of course the audience wanted him to squander - so he did, exchanging a yacht for a trip to Eden, and that for a plate of corn mush. This course was polenta served with an apple mash.

Wrath started with The Smiths' "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" and segued into Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart." Lucifer moped around in a leather jacket hating the world, and at one point just snarled at the waitstaff to "Just feed them their vegetables." We didn't even get our waiters this time; the bus staff came around with mugs of kale and mung bean sprout salad, with Concord grapes (of wrath.)

Then we had a rousing rendition of "Don't Pay the Ferryman," featuring our waiter looking uncannily like David Bowie in "Labyrinth."

Heresy was my favourite. It started with your standard evangelical preaching from Lucifer, now in male drag, clad in white and wearing a black wig. After he was escorted to the main stage by erinyes, he began exhorting us to take our medication, it would be quick, there wouldn't be any convulsions, life was painful and death was nothing to be feared. So essentially we ate lobster puff pastry while listening to Jim Jones. When the preaching stopped, all of the wait staff, who were standing beside the tables, dropped to the floor, dead, and remained there for the duration of that course. I had to step over bodies to get to the bathroom.

Violence came next. The "guest chef" minotaur was led out and unmasked to reveal a clown, thus fulfilling my personal definition of Hell. It was Pogo the clown, to be precise, alter ego of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. We were given cups with mashed beets, and then later servers came around to pour the liquid part of the soup over them.

Fraud led off as Lucifer hosted a culinary talk show, featuring a molecular gastronomist and a Texas goose farmer talking about the care, feeding and preparation of foie gras. We were then fed vegan foie gras, which I didn't eat because the texture creeps me out.

Treachery was somewhat terrifying: our original waiters returned, dancing manically to "The Fast Food Song". They handed out bags from Beelzebub's Best Chicken, while urging us to have a nice day. Each bag contained a little chicken pie, in the shape of a hand, and had a little puzzle sheet, the sort they give out to keep kids interested at restaurants. The text of the word game puzzle was really terrifying (and can be seen in my brief review). The pie itself was only moderately scary.

Then we moved on to Heaven. Beatrice arrived, decked out in white tulle below the waist and little mirrored squares above, looking positively ethereal (if somewhat like a human disco ball when the light hit her). All of the waiters gathered at her feet, and then glitter rained down from the ceiling, and the platform she'd been wheeled in on was revealed to be a dessert cart. The waiters then doled out our cups of pumpkin cheesecake, which was, in fact, heavenly.

In summary, a fascinating evening.